My thoughts on this day, My 30th birthday:

I don’t know If its just me…. but the closer I get to 30 and the further I get from 20….. my life just seems to get busier and busier. 

Im a Mother of 2 rambunctious but healthy girls. A Wife to my favorite person on this planet. Im a business woman- running three companies. . . All revolving around Real Estate and Design/ Fashion (ie: Homes and Heels).  Im a CVA survivor. (that’s a blog post for another day). Im my families cook, cleaning lady, grocery planner, outfit buyer, event planner, vacation seeker. . .  the list literally goes on and on and on. Doesn’t everyone seem to wear this many hats these days?

Amongst the chaos though- my relationship with God actually seems to get. . .better. Clearer. Like Im being given some sort of a translator. I wonder why that is? My mother would tell you it is because, I am a parent and am more willing to listen now! 😆

I laugh, but on second thought, she is so right! There is so much truth to that.

I *am* a mom now. I do spend more hours in the dark- rocking with my kids and praying over them. And If we’re really being honest, more hours crying in the bathroom praying for strength and sanity before emerging. 

And I am getting Old…er. I do whisper a good “oh thank god” after each time I almost trip *but don’t fall* wearing the heels I still insist on wearing each day without the same muscle in my legs I use to have.

And with my old age I am definitely more sappy. Like, literally just BALLED my eyes out during the AVENGERS movie 😑. (Oh you did too? Good to know.)

 With all of this though, I am also more grateful. I do spend more hours thanking God each day my kids get home safe from school, and Stephen and I are home safe from work- so we can all sit around the dinner table one more night together and laugh while we play thorns and roses.  When I write it out that way, I guess maybe its Simply because,  I accept that I need him more. Two jobs, two kids, balancing the role of Loving Wife vs. Independent woman. Wearing around that guilt hat that I can’t be in 5 different places at the same time doing 5 different things. (Praying my way through that too, btw)

Regardless of the reason, I do feel like I am finally getting it. And its about time…

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I was always raised faith based and always raised to love and trust in Gods timing l- 

But I was never really good at listening to the things I was told to do. Or worse, listening to the WAY I was told I was supposed to do them. I was by all means a pretty difficult child when it came to will.To call me stubborn or hard headed were huge understatements. More times than not I went against the grain, determined to pave my own path. Lets just say I “felt things very strongly”.If I wanted something, I tended to want it with my whole heart. And I was determined to get it. I let Nothing stop me or get in my way. The word ‘no’ was merely a hurdle. I’d burn down whatever and whoever I had to if it stood between me and my goal. When I made a decision, well…, that was it. In *my* mind, I had thought it out to the best of *my* ability and was convicted in the choice *I* had made. There was no changing my mind. I was neverr any good at the ‘BS game’ either. I told it like it was- and took pride in knowing ‘at least I had not lied. At least they knew exactly where I stood!’ Well, as you probably guessed by now, getting along with others was a challenge- I was either the leader or the loner. They either loved me- or they hated me.  I rarely went with ‘the flow’ of things. I questioned things- wanted to be different. Wanted to stand out. And boy did I. 

The older I got, naturally the more complicated life got. The more things were out of my control. I struggled more and more with not getting things that I thought I wanted or thought I should have. I remember my Mother saying, ‘Maybe its just not time, yet.” or ” Maybe it would never be time. Maybe you just aren’t supposed to have that.” I remember being so taken back by that statement. “Wasn’t *supposed* to have that” ? . . . But I wanted it. Badly. Hadn’t GOD put this desire in my heart for a reason? 

Instead of actually praying and asking him if he had-  I would just change the narrative in my head that all the “no’s” I received were just people and negative energy trying to tear me down. And I wasn’t going to let that happen. I would continue to pray each night for the ‘said thing’ that I wanted. I prayed that God would help me get it. 

The problem: was that, I rarely prayed for “the lords will to be done.” If I did- I would immediately follow it up with- “and I pray that your ‘will to be done’ is me getting what it is I want.”  The next day I would continue after it. I blazed the trail and left burnt bridges behind me until eventually I usually would end up getting what it is I wanted. Honestly. . I got it every. Damn. Time.

Or at least what I thought I wanted-

First 1/2 of the lesson:  If you want something bad enough- you’ll get it.

But at what cost? and was it really Gods will that got you there? Was it really God who provided that for you- or was it you and your own free will? God gave us free will to choose, and he honors that promise.

 The answers to these questions usually came shortly after I had accomplished that thing I had blazed a trail to obtain. That thing I had pushed through all of the ‘No’s’ to get to. You know- That thing I FORCED to happen instead of just ‘let’ happen. 

After I got it, I would start to look around, usually exhausted and mostly alone at the end, and realize that no one was there to celebrate with me. Or at least not the ones I wanted to be there. And then, a short time after, something big would always seem happen. Something bad. Out of no where and it would completely blind side me. And that thing I wanted so badly, either wasn’t as great as I thought it would be- or life would throw me a curve ball- and that ‘thing I got’, would make it harder to navigate. It would end up holding me down. Weighing me down. Making that next opportunity that came out of nowhere something I inevitably would have to pass up.

I was left feeling frustrated and defeated. I knew in my heart this ‘curve ball’- really only felt like a curve ball to ME. And it all made sense. Because I knew God. GOD- already knew it was coming. And He had tried warning me. He had tried steering my ship. He was *trying* to use that boss to tell me no I didn’t get the job, he used that lender to tell me no you weren’t approved for the loan you need for that house, he used that failed date to tell me no, that’s not the guy for you- he used ALL of these people in my life to TRY telling me. All those people, I blew off and blew up, because I didn’t like hearing no- was really him trying to answer my prayer.  But I chose to put my head down and keep going anyway.  Point blank- my faith was not in him, but in myself. I did not give him my blind faith. I had not really put myself in a submissive position.

It took a *lot* of failures to see that. It took a lot of getting what I thought I wanted and it never feeling like a weight was lifted. It also took a lot of setting my pride aside to admit that, hey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t always right until I started to realize what was happening. All those times I was so exhausted- blazing the trail to get where I wanted to be and to get what it is I wanted- all to be hit with something that showed me it was the wrong thing or the wrong way-  maybe that was all for a reason. 

Exhausted and feeling defeated- I ran back the past events in my head and then I prayed and asked where I went wrong.…

This is the answer I received:

  If you pray for what you want, and God answers with a No. No you don’t get that job. No you can’t buy that house. No you don’t get that trip. Or your kid doesn’t get into that school.     And you ignore it and push forward anyways. Refusing to accept the No-  you WILL get what it is you are after. 

He *will* step out of your way-

He *will* accept that you don’t accept the path he would rather you go

He *will* allow you- to fail.

Instead of then blaming him for the failure- this time, I realized that I failed, because he did exactly what I wanted him to do.He, along with all of those other people, got out of my way.  He got out of my way- and he had allowed me to fail. And for some reason althought I know now that I still didn’t fully get it, I decided to trust that for the first time, *he* did.  I agreed to stop fighting and in return he agreed to let me rest.

I started praying a different prayer. I started praying for his will to be done- and meaning it. And every time I got a NO, I prayed again: “God- Thank you for that No, I hear you. But now what? Do I try again or do I not? What would you have me do?”

And then I’d wait.

Boy howdy, what a good bit of waiting will do for you- 

(A lesson in patience I also needed). Sometimes I waited a loooong time- so I would just pray some more.

And then sometimes, wait some more.

Eventually things started to happen.Opportunities started presenting themselves again. Some of them I dont like, Some of them scare the crap out of me. Some of them I dont even get. And some of them have left me saying- “yeah…. Right. That would take a whole lot of courage for me to do.”     And then it hit me like a ton of bricks again…. The spirit whispered. . .Or *maybe* -a whole lot of F A I T H.

And Just like that I realized- this was it. He was testing me! {one thing my momma always said was, “now, don’t you dare miss when God decides to test you. Because when he does- there’s usually a wondrous gift waiting on the other side if you pass.”}

And you know what- It was.      And it always is. 

Looking back, The best rewards and the best things to ever happen in my life came from a situation I didn’t understand or from a situation I was scared shitless to walk into to, but somehow used faith to give me the courage to try anyway.  

So as I reach 30 this year- I vow to take this profound thought with me into them- 

That my 20’s were made for learning this lesson- and that my 30’s are made for implementing it.

So Raise your glass with me if you will-  here’s to 30!!

Here’s to giving up what I THOUGHT I wanted- to make room for God showing me what I never even knew I wanted.

Here’s to moving out of *his* way, instead of making sure everyone else moves out of mine.  Here’s to living a life by *his* design. To trusting him fully and leaning in closer to his council. And to be accepting of it.      

These lessons I have learned were tough. They have been humbling. And they have been *exactly* what I needed.

Thank you GOD for 30, for lessons, and for the amazing future you are about to provide 🙂

Here is to walking into another time in my life that I do not fully get and/or understand- but am being nudged *strongly* to do. Im choosing faith over fear, trusting in you and your will, knowing you will be my compass- 

Ladies (and gentleman)…. May I introduce to you- my new Blog—-> Homes & Heels.

My ‘go to’ daily devotional : <———- Click Here to Shop!